Pass The Ammo

I recently recieved a letter from an old friend, telling me he would like to start up a club. A club that , if successful, could prove to be very lucrative.

Sean wrote

“Well buddy buddy… I think I have a great Idea! Why don’t we just pack up and leave this county and become international bounty hunters! We could both split the reward money once we get the bastard. Heres my plan… we both sell all our things (even our wives… isn’t that what arabs do?) and invest in purchasing some heavy duty firepower and move to Afganistan.

I mean we would totaly blend in… Me being a 6′8″ corn fed American with Christian Tatoos and a chip on my shoulder and you a lanky 6′4″ never fed American with a pomp and a “I hate Hadgee’s” T-Shirt. Ok… maybe we need to grow big beards… wait you don’t have facial hair… ok we’ll start this plan after you hit pueberty.

But then we’ll walk right in saying “Take me to your Al Queda leader Ah bubeda buh” “The Guy by the name Usama Bin Laden, Ah bubeda buh”. Then they will take us to him because they will obviously will think we’re terroroists because we will tell them that we hate “the great Satan” which they think we means the USA but we really mean Satan. Then when we meet him we grab him and hit him with a maglight™… the same one you hit clinton with [See March 1st Below].

Then we split the reward and live like Arab Kings or American middle class… whichever one you prefer.”

Chad Wrote

Well, this plan could work, ECEPT for the part about hitting him with the maglite™. That goes into my museum of ‘Things that I have used to pummel famous commies with™’. Instead, I propose we use something that wouldent stand out so much in the hadjee society, knowing that they cannot afford such luxuries as Maglites™. Take for example, a Shoulder Mounted Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher (RPG). You see…if we were to carry one around town, like it was cool, then they would KNOW that we were terrorists. Cos only terrorists carry around RPG’s like its cool.

And once they took us to see Mujahid Shaykh (Usama), you could pull yer sleeve up and show them your “Dead to the World” Tattoo. They would instantly know us and Scream “Death to the Infidels!!!” Then we would pull out our Colt .45’s with extended mags( one in each hand), and hose all his hadjee body guards. Then we could kneecap ‘The Director” (Usama), by swinging our RPG’s like baseball bats, (Blunt Force Trauma is the ONLY way to go when capturing this guy) and continue to beat him with our grenade launcher. We’ll drag his body out in the street….tie him up in barbed wire and hitch him to the back of my Ford F-150 with the huge NRA sticker on back, and proceed to drive up and down Main Street.

Sooner or later (better later than sooner) the U.S. military police would pull us over to write us a speeding ticket as well as ‘unneccesary abuse of Iraqi citizens’ (sec. 805a Iraqi Law)…then they would realize that it was Usama Bin Laden, even though it was hard to recognize him cos of the severe beating he had just received. So instead of writing us tickets they would hand us a hefty sum of $25 million in small unmarked 5’s, 10’s and 20’s (minus $6 million for taxes), and they would salute us, and send us on our way…that is…to continue dragging Usama up and down Main Street.

After the merciless dragging of Binny boy, we would get an interview by a CNN reporter who fire off ‘impossible to answer’ questions, one after another, that would belittle us on world wide television. After breaking the fingers of the CNN reporter, we would have an interview with a Fox News reporter who would slap fives with us on the air, and ask us if there were any other ways we could have been more merciless and violent in the way we captured him. Upon pondering the intellectually deep question, we would respond with, “Well, I’m sure we could have….but we’re not THAT sick.”