Pass The Ammo

Reader Jennifer was kind enough to send this my way. It’s a book full of “Adult Beverages”, how to make them, where they came from, and the PC or Un-PC symbolism behind it. I had a good laugh… then I went enjoyed a beer, cos I don’t drink that hard stuff. Anyways, Thanks Jen.

Dead White Guy Ginger Ale

Glass: A Clay Bowl Stolen from Native Americans (by dead white conquistadors)

Ingredients:

1. 1 Part Vodka (a colorless ingredient symbolizing white European oppression)
2. 3 Parts Ginger Ale (containing blood-thirsty, intolerant, white supremacist sugar)
3. A Splash of White Wine (reminiscent of Napoleonic French imperialism)
4. A Splash of Lemon-Lime Juice (made from fruit hand-picked by indentured servants)
5. A Dash of Sugar (due to safety concerns, no brown sugar allowed)

Instructions: While attending a college seminar on multiculturalism, with an emphasis on Native American, Afro-centric lesbian poetry, combine ingredients in a clay bowl stolen from Native Americans. Consume on Columbus Day while attacking white males who have the audacity to continue to breathe.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of Christopher Columbus - a capitalist, European bigot responsible for the death and murder of eighty trillion pacifist, nature-loving Native Americans (and a man whose lone accomplishment was the “discovery” of someone else’s backyard).

Special Warning: Under no circumstances should you add brown sugar to this adult beverage, as it is sure to be ravaged and destroyed by the racist, imperialist, homophobic white sugar already present in the ginger ale.

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Environmentalist Wacko Whiskey

Glass: Your Own Cupped Hands

Ingredients:

1. 1 Part Triple Sec (as long as it wasn’t made in a wicked corporate factory)
2. 2 Parts Whiskey (homemade by Sierra Club members in an earth-friendly distillery)
3. 1 Part Grain Alcohol (flammable liquid used by the Earth Liberation Front to burn SUVs)
4. 1 Frozen Pond (the result of any number of man-made environmental catastrophes)
5. 1 Dolphin (the pinnacle of creation, according to environmentalist wackos)

Instructions: First, cut several ice cubes from the surface of a frozen pond (these should be abundant due to the smog effect blocking the sun’s rays in preparation for the coming ice age). Avoid using a freezer to produce your ice cubes, because freezers are a capitalist-concocted first cousin of man’s worst enemy - the air conditioner. Next, combine ingredients (along with your pond cubes) in your own cupped hands. Don’t you dare use a glass instead of your hands, because the process of making glass destroys Mother Earth.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of environmentalist wackos, a fringe movement (not to be confused with serious and responsible ecology-minded people) that believes mankind is the greatest threat to nature, seeks to destroy private property, and longs to establish a socialist regime to impose its nuttiness on the rest of us.

Special Note: For years environmentalist wackos have told us that dolphins are superior to humans - despite the absence of dolphin highways, libraries, or institutions of higher learning. But for all their supposed brilliance, I challenge any environmentalist wacko to find a dolphin that can make an adult beverage as good as this one!